— By Kate Rose
There is no need to try and fill the spaces that exist within my soul.
I suppose there comes a time when we have to release everything that we thought we ever were what we even thought Love was supposed to be and instead try on our own version for size. But, I suppose the difference is when this occurs we might not even know what that means, except that it probably tastes a lot of like adventure, like the bubbles of champagne sipped at midnight when we’re on the brink of newness.
See, I understand now that I’ve been travelling this path for some time, before I was even married I was on this journey of becoming everything that I was from the moment I first tasted the air of a hazy sunrise in the final moments of dawn; the instant where I stopped being anyone else’s and became my own.
It seems that we are always someone’s; as children we are our parent’s child, we’re someone’s friend, sibling, and then girlfriend, wife…”This is my and then insert into the blank whatever label fits”. But maybe there are those of us that are born that aren’t meant to belong to anyone. We’re free, with our wings hidden under the guise of adolescence and through time we begin to realize that we don’t fit.
Perhaps we might realize we belong to the way the moonlight grazes our bare skin on a summer eve, or maybe we’re made up of all the places we’ve yet to travel but know that we will.
Maybe there are just those of us who don’t need to be completed.
I’m not saying this is the same as a need; because we all have them, in fact we wouldn’t be human if we didn’t. It’s important to meet the physical, mental and spiritual needs of those that we Love and that we share our lives with-but that doesn’t mean that I’ll ever be anyone’s something. Rather I’ll be someone, I’ll be myself, a little bit crazy and an aubergine dream, someone between righteous and defeated, between everything and nothing…that will be me.
There is a fire in my belly that burns with the truth I’ve learned from a thousand lifetimes, and while I hope you might ignite them, pouring kerosene on them until they inspire me to take off in a new direction, that doesn’t meant I want you to complete me. There is no need for me to forget who I am just so I might remember who you are; there is no need for me to dull myself in order for you to feel better about your own shadow.
There actually is no need for any of it; but that doesn’t mean there isn’t a desire, or perhaps even a hope.
The truth is I have no idea what I am doing. Seems ironic since I suppose I’m always making plans and dreaming bigger than my hands can hold, but that doesn’t mean that I know where any of this will lead. I have a feeling inside my soul that I am on the right track even if it looks nothing like I thought my life ever would, but that intuition and being certain of what I’m doing are two separate things.
See I suppose there was a time when I kidded myself with monotony and expectations but in truth the more I thought I knew the less I actually did and so this time I’m saying that I know nothing. Which perhaps is a uncertain reality because I do know the way the sea feels moving against my skin within the turquoise winds, and I know the way my tears feel when I’m heartbroken versus happy as they slide down the sift skin of my cheek; I know the way it feels to be inspired, to be in contact with God and know I’m fulfilling my purpose and I know the way your lips feel beneath my fingertips and the rhythmic thud of your heart against mine.
But anything else? I have no idea, but that doesn’t mean I’m winging it-it means I’m following my heart even if I have no idea what it’s thinking, or where it’s headed.
See, I need you; I need you to inspire me, to push me, to be a constant within a storm, the shelter that I seek and the Love that holds me down but that doesn’t mean you need to fill my empty parts or to fix anything about me.
My heart is hologram of what you put in, you then get back; so whatever you see, whatever you feel is what has grown from the seeds you yourself has planted, and whether they are blooming, or just starting to push through the fertile ground in expectant buds, whether the garden is full and wild, or just beginning the truth is it’s exactly how it’s supposed to be.
I am exactly how I am supposed to be.
We will change each other, if we didn’t then that would mean we wouldn’t affect one another and inspire growth but nowhere in that does that mean I am lacking already. In fact it’s only because I am so full that I have any to give to you or to this connection that blossom like snowdrops against the unexpected.
Sometimes I forget that I am pieced together with stardust and seawater, sometimes I forget that I’ve spent my life outgrowing normal and so I never do want to have that with you. But I suppose that’s the thing, whatever grows within our shadows will never be normal; whether we wake up to one another each morning, whether we make up a new paradigm of shared time and spaces each having our own home, or whether we meet more frequently in our dreams…we will never be normal, never have normal, simply because we never were to begin with.
So, please don’t complete me, instead ravage me, challenge me, or just simply Love me because the truth is that is the only thing I ever truly needed.